There are four attachment styles and you are shooting to have a securely attached child. This is a great indicator in their emotional intelligence as a child who may not be able to to express themself yet. I did not create these styles they have been around for a long time but after seeing many attachment styles, viewing my own and seeing my sons I have some examples and tips for you all. I will be sharing how I reparented my unhealthy attachment style and how I nurture Avan’s seemingly secure attachment. This can give you great insight in the areas you may need to nurture.
- A secure attachment style is low in both anxiety and avoidance. Secure attachment tends to lead to stable, fulfilling relationships.
- An anxious-preoccupied attachment style is high in anxiety and low in avoidance. Anxious-preoccupied attachments can create relationships that thrive on drama or are generally lower in trust.
- A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is low in anxiety and high in avoidance. This attachment style may lead to more distant relationships, sometimes stemming from a fear of commitment.
- A fearful-avoidant attachment style is high in both anxiety and avoidance. People who display this attachment style are often drawn to close relationships, yet they are simultaneously fearful of them. (Better Help, Jessica Anderson)
Anxious – Preoccupied children do not have the trust they need in the parent. They are always worried about not having a parent there. Sometimes this can be confusing because parents say they never want me to let them go and it is seen as cute. I know when Avan wasn’t crying when I would leave I would think he didn’t care that much about me haha. Now I am like byeeee! I just got this sense that your child should be super sad you leave. He will ask me for more hugs and kisses when I leave or ask to come sometimes but this is talking about crying really bad. The child is unable to calm down due to stress of not having you there. These children also can have a difficult time playing alone. They need to be near you constantly to feel safe. This is at home now in new places. I know it takes Avan and other children some time to warm up to new places but this is in known spaces.
Dismissive – Avoidant children can feel a little cold. They are not very attached to their parents. When the parent leaves it doesn’t phase them. When the parent comes home they do not get excited or run up to the parent. They can play alone but have a hard time playing with you when you want to interact. They do not show much affection through hugs and kisses. They kind of do their own thing. When I was teaching I saw all of these attachment styles and this was pretty rare to see but I did see it once and it was VERY obvious.
Fearful – Avoidant children can be very confused. One minute they love you and need your attention and the next they are pretty cold. This was my attachment style as a child and adult for a while. I now have secure attachment. It is the constant of being afraid of love while also wanting it. Children who feel this way do not have emotionally stable parents oftentimes. One minute their parents are happy and the next they are upset so they are often put on the edge because the emotions are not stable. Most children are pretty consistent in their attachment with a bad day here or there but these types of children vary often. It was very hard to work through this and had impacts on my relationships but you can work through any of these!
Secure children are just that – secure. They can feel sad when you leave because they love you but they also can say bye because they know you will be back, the trust is strong. They are confident in trying new things. They are able to play alone for periods of time and also like to play with you. They are affectionate but also have boundaries (limits) when they do not want the hugs and kisses. I am so happy to see Avan having a secure attachment. He fits the definitions really well. His emotions are pretty stable, give or take a tantrum haha. I want all children to have secure attachment so they can have healthy secure relationships.
When do attachment styles begin?
Researchers believe that attachment styles in children are primarily influenced by their early relationships with their caregivers. The way in which a child’s earliest caregiver meets their needs seems to have the most significant influence on building their attachment styles. When a child has all of their physical and emotional needs met promptly, thoroughly, and reliably, they are able to form a secure attachment with their caregiver.
Why do attachments matter?
A safe haven is necessary for processing anxiety because it serves as a refuge from anxiety-producing stressors. Infants cannot regulate their nervous systems, and their attachment to their caregiver is what helps them process their emotions. A secure base gives a child the ability to explore and discover the world, as they know that they have a safe and secure place to return to if they run into danger or become overwhelmed with anxiety or new emotions. Exploration and discovery are developmental necessities, and attachment to their caregiver allows a child to perform these with minimal anxiety.
I hope these details, examples and definitions have been helpful!
Let me know your thoughts and insights below!
Love & Healing,
E. Maloku
