After the one on one relationship each parent has with a child, the relationship the parents have with one another is extremely important in raising an emotionally healthy child. Our children are learning EVERYTHING from us including what is acceptable and what is not. The way you talk to your spouse isn’t just about you two anymore. Showing up for one another isn’t just about you two. How you handle disagreements, how you handle finances, how you handle rough moments, etc. These are all topics that people struggle with in marriages. You add the different childhoods you and your spouse had it is A LOT. I think people struggle after having a child because it brings out all of their crap, our children are our mirrors and now having to face yourself (many for the first time) is hard. Marriage is a lot of work on it’s own because our partners are big triggers as well. We try to reenact old childhood issues with our partners in hopes of them healing the things we didn’t receive as children. I am no marriage expert but I do know how a child interpretes the relationship. 

What is okay in a relationship? 

One of the most important things your relationship teaches your children is what is acceptable. Imagine if your child is in a home that is full of love and healthy communications… they will not be attracted to someone who is abusive toward them. They will understand that love doesn’t look like that. It builds their standards of love and how you should treat others. In the same breath a home where the parents are always arguing and fighting can teach that if you love someone you need to argue with them. That is how love is shown. It is very important we keep this in mind. 

Communication

Of course this has to be on here. Our children are learning to communicate. It is crucial you know what you are doing and the impacts it has on your child.
How do you handle disagreements? If you yell when you disagree your child will learn that in order to be heard you have to yell. If you speak calmly and share your feelings/opinions your child will learn how to communicate in a healthy way. When we shut off or walk out on each other after an argument that shows that it is not healthy to disagree. I don’t think you need to hide disagreements from your children because it is not realistic to pretend there aren’t any arguments in your marriage. Setting them up for a healthy emotional life. 

Some rules Michael and I have in place around communication… 

• Never raise our voices at each other.
• Tell each other if we need to come back to this later in front of Avan.
• We never discuss disagreements about how the other is doing something when it comes to Avan in front of him.
• Talk about things and don’t walk out on each other, still act respectfully regardless of our differing views. 

Abuse – Emotional, Physical or Power 

It goes without saying that any abuse is not okay but especially physical abuse. If that is happening this relationship is going to cause more than trauma for your child. It is better to be a single parent than to be in that situation. DM for resources if you are in this situation. 

Emotional abuse can be more hidden but can have lasting impacts on not only you but your children. Someone should not comment on the way you dress or look. If your partner is saying you look bad/fat/ugly this is going to cause low self esteem in your children. If someone tells you what to do and holds things over your head it will show that there is a power struggle. Having gender roles like men do this and women do this will affect your child’s perception of how to treat women or as a woman what they can accept as okay. The same thing with being a man if certain things are expected of men. Being mindful of these roles is important. In our home everyone cooks, cleans, expresses love, hugs and kisses. I did not grow up this way and it does impact your view and self worth. 

Being on the same page with parenting rules!

If you are not on the same page as parents your children will sniff that out so fast and will try to go to the person they can get what they need from. I see it in my little almost two year old. He knows who is more likely to let him have something. You do not have to become super strict but generally there should be some rules. You shouldn’t say no we aren’t eating candy and you husband says you know what actually yes you can. This sends confusing messages and makes things tense in the home.

Michael and I being on the same page…

• When Michael says/does something I think could be done differently I talk to him separately when Avan is sleeping. I say hey I didn’t think that was a big deal or whatever the case may be, you can always discuss it to come to a common ground.
• You have to compromise on some things. I am gonna be honest. I know exactly how I want things to be but that doesn’t mean Michaels way is wrong. 
• Let the other parent, parent. Maybe I would not dress Avan in such a light jacket on a chilly day but we got to trust the other parent as well or there will be lots of tension.  

BONUS: The Energy in the Home 

If you are always in a high stress environment where you know the fight can break out at any time you are on high alert. You become addicted to chaos as a child where being in a calm environment can feel uncomfortable. Many adults struggle with this because they end up looking for someone to workout their dysfunction with. They want to have someone to reenact the trauma with. Healthy often feels boring if that is the energy you grew up with. 

When you have unhappiness in the home constantly even if you do not argue out loud it affects children. In the same way if there is laughter, music, love, dancing, etc. There are many ways that you affect your children without words. We often remember how we felt more than what was said. If you think back on your childhood you may not remember all the convos your parents had but you remember how you felt. 

Ways I help shape the energy in our home… 

• When I go get my son in the morning from his room or nap I smile at him and make him feel like I am SOO excited to see him even if I wish he would nap longer sometimes. I say AVVVAAANN Hi my love how did you sleep? I give him a hug and kiss. If I were to go in and say ugh you are up already… that would make a completely different start to the day. 
• I put music on everyday. I open the shade and let light in. I have flowers in the home. Cozy blankets and pillow. Things that make the physical environment enjoyable to be in. It really feels like a home. 
• Everyday we laugh and dance. Without fail if I am feeling the day is a little tense I turn on a song and act like I am back in my clubbin’ days haha 😉 
• Michael also believes a lot in the environment and how it affects your mood. We like to have a clean home and a purpose for everything. 
• Ask someone how your home feels (who you trust). My sister always says how loving it feels here and how much she loves our place. 

These are just some of the ways I have noticed my marriage affecting how Avan will view relationships. We are the first model of what healthy or unhealthy relationships look like. It is up to us to do the hard work to be a good model or decide we should walk away because that can also teach a lesson, you shouldn’t accept anything less than you deserve. 

Happy healing and healthy marriages! 

Love,

E. Maloku